Inspiration: The Small Things

"_ didn't divide problems into big and small like everyone else does. He always said that angels are in the simple things; you never find angels where things are complicated. He believed that the small things are important." - The Awakening of Miss Prim

If you didn't already know it, I'm a reader. I love to read! But I especially love to read when a story can take me out of my own world and into another. Non-fiction won't hold my interest for more than a day, but a novel can hold a place in my heart for a lifetime. I like to stagger my reading, a challenging read followed by a much lighter tale, but recently, light reading is about all I can handle.

And sometimes the most surprising enlightening thoughts can come out of a light read. Like the quote above from the book The Awakening of Miss Prim by Natalia Sanmartin Fenollera. This book keeps reminding me that life is about the little things, not big enormous things we tend to think are most important.

I've had a lot of big things happen to me this year - - I became a mother; I moved to a new home; I lost loved ones; I took on a new position at work; I had several good friends move to new cities. That's a lot of big life changes in a relatively short amount of time. And yes, at times, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by how complicated things can be. But this book...it's helped bring life back into focus around the small things, the simple things. Because a life made up of all the small things doesn't seem nearly as scary to navigate as one made up of the big complicated things.

Keep Your Chin Up

My dad used to always tell me to "keep my chin up" when I was down about something. So, it's only fitting that a fortune cookie I got a few weeks ago would remind me to do just that. Oh wise fortune cookie, how I needed to hear those words!

The so-called "getting on with life" is hard and yet I know it's what he would want for us. It doesn't mean that it's not completely overwhelming at the same time. You see, so much change has taken place since this terrible ordeal happened - I've lost more than one family member, moved into a new home and had major job change/promotion in just the past 7 months. To say we've been living out of boxes for months now is NOT an understatement, it's the gosh darn truth. And I know it's time to start living again - settle into our house and actually make it a home, start seeing friends again on weekends, etc - but it's hard to kick start all of that when you feel like you've been blown over by a tornado! To pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with it isn't that easy, but my desire to is growing with each day. Healing is a slow process and admitting that life will go on even if there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him numerous times is just the start.

Yes, dad, I'm taking your advice and doing my best to keep my chin up each and every day because I know it's what you would want for me and what you expect of me.

Healing Sands

We headed down to the coast for a few days of rest and relaxation, seeking out the healing sands and soothing ocean to cleanse our hearts, souls and minds. Watching Tuck discover new things at every turn (birds! sand! seaweed!) filled my heart with joy and calmed my frenzied mind.

It was his second trip to the beach, but he was only a month old for that first trip. He ran and ran and ran. He loved it so much he couldn't believe his eyes, that a sandbox this big existed just for him!

My dad loved the beach. I remember so many trips we took to the beach in North Carolina growing up - it was our go-to vacation as a family. Dad losing his ray bans in the ocean...jumping waves holding hands with him...building sand castles together...walking on the beach laughing at him wearing jams! Making memories with my son at the beach was cathartic to say the least.

One morning before the rain came in, we went down to the beach to take a walk. Tuck was scared, the wind was blowing and the skies were ominous, until he zeroed in on a pink volleyball that had rolled into the dunes. With a ball in hand, his fear dissipated and he just played. I got some of my favorite photos from the trip capturing his morning with a pink ball on a deserted beach.

The only souvenirs we brought home were a few shells, lots of good memories and renewed hearts.

The Rock & The Storm

“And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in.” - Haruki Murakami

My lovely friend Erin shared these words on her facebook page this week and they resonated with me in a big way. You see, my family and I have been going through one helluva storm these past 6 months. I won't go into detail of the hardships and losses we've faced in just a few short months (because like the quote says, I don't even know that the storm is over yet), but I can say that I am forever changed. We are all forever changed.

In the eye of this storm is the greatest man I have ever known, my father. His passing has been heart wrenching, gut wrenching and the most difficult thing I've ever had to face. These are the words I shared with our family and friends in memory of him, The Rock.

If there is one word that best describes my father, it’s ROCK. The word “rock” has several entries and over 15 definitions in the dictionary – most all of them relate to dad in some way.

Rock, verb: To move back and forth in or as if in a cradle - - I don’t particularly remember dad rocking me to sleep as a baby, but I’m sure he did. He was my go to guy when it was time for bed, helping me brush my teeth and get into my pajamas, picking out a stuffed animal for me to sleep with in our game of dolly surprise and inevitably tucking me in, turning out the lights and saying goodnight. On those nights when I had a bad dream or had a particularly hard time getting to sleep, dad would gently rock his hand back and forth on my back until I felt safe again and drifted off to sleep.

Rock, verb: To move forward at a steady pace - - I don’t believe I know of a single time in my father’s life when he wasn’t moving forward at a steady pace – the two key words here being “forward” and “steady”. He was always a man of purpose and strong intent. His decisions were calculated and controlled – after all, he was an engineer and let’s be honest, it takes a certain kind of person to be an engineer. Dad was a master at self-discipline in all aspects of his life and it served him well, allowing him to work his way through college and graduate school, eventually moving forward at that steady pace to receive his PhD. And he continued moving forward, steadily rising in his career as an executive in the semi-conductor sector, taking us to New Jersey, North Carolina and eventually, back to Texas. Even in retirement, he didn’t give up moving forward at that continual steady pace, focusing his self -discipline on the game of golf and serving his community on the Property Owners Association. 

Rock, noun: something like a rock in firmness; foundation, support - - My father was the rock of our family. He was steady and unwavering in the face of uncertainty. He was strong and dependable when times got tough. He was understanding and supportive when life took unexpected turns. Above all, Dad was always there for you when you needed him. He was a provider and an advisor. He was a man who never expected more from others than he expected of himself. He was a man of high standards who believed in doing the right thing. I think Dad knew God put him on this earth to take care of the people he loved and to make sure we were all well looked after. Our rock may not physically be with us anymore, but the foundation he built for us while he was here will carry us through till we see him again in heaven and until then I know he’s looking down on us, watching over us and loving us. 

Rock, noun: slang for gem, diamond - - one definition of the word “gem”: a highly prized or well beloved person. Dad was and is our family gem. Quiet and reserved on the outside, he had a heart of gold on the inside that steadfastly and intently loved his family and friends. Like a diamond, he formed and performed under great pressure throughout his life. He was known to many and precious to us few. He was one-of-a-kind. He was a son, a brother, a husband, a father and a grandfather. He was my dad and I couldn’t be more proud to be his daughter. 

Someone turned 1!

Dear Tucker, 

I can't tell you how amazing this first year has been. You've rocked my world in the best way possible! You've made me more patient and more loving than I ever knew I could be. You've tested me...but your tests have made me grow. I'm so proud of the little boy you are becoming. 

You were such a good baby, strong from the get go. You held your head up on your own just hours after you were born and you were always trying to stand up on your own two legs. You loved to lie on your changing pad in front of the window in your nursery staring up at your mobile and kicking your legs. It's amazing how much you've grown in 12 months!

You've always been a talker, just like you're daddy. You started babbling before 3 months and never stopped. Some of your favorite words are dada, ada, and the occasional mmmama. 

It took you a bit to get moving, but once you started crawling at 8 months there was nothing stopping you! You began walking at 11 months and you're up and running now at 12 months.

Although you slept on me for almost the first 6 months of your life, now you're on your own sleeping through the night like a champ. I love checking your monitor to see what position you're sleeping in - you're all over that crib! The older you've gotten the more independent you've gotten. That's how it should be and I hope it means I'm doing something right, but I miss my boy needing me. So those moments when you're upset or just over wrought with sleepiness, I relish you putting your head down on my shoulder and just being.

I say to your dad all the time how strong you are for being as young as you are. You've been through two more surgeries than he and I ever have! And you're an example to me every day with that strength - to keep a smile on and keep on going. You weren't even 5 months old when you had spinal surgery to release your tethered cord - you bounced back amazingly! I can't tell you how scared I was going into the children's hospital that morning, but when I saw you in recovery chugging pedialyte with everything you had, I knew you would be okay. And the tubes in your ears at 10 months...piece of cake! You were over that just a few hours after. I know this is an indication of the man you will be one day - - strong, never willing to give up or give in and keeping a smile on your face through the worst of times.

Have I mentioned how happy of a baby you are? You've got a heck of smile and its infectious, I tell you! You smile at everyone and you draw everyone in with just a look in your eye. When you were first born, you had the most beautiful color hair I've ever seen - - the most unique golden color - - you were known as the baby "with the pretty hair". We weren't sure if it would be red, like mine, or blond, like your father's, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be a color that's all your own. And lucky for you, you have my cowlick and your father's so it swirls up front and in the back, which makes it stick straight up right now! It definitely grabs everyone's attention.

It's hard to put a year with you in words, because there aren't enough words in our language or letters in the alphabet to express how much I love you. You've made my heart grow bigger and bigger with love for you each day you've been in my life. Sometimes I can't believe how fast this year has gone by, other times, I can't believe its only been a year because I feel like I've known you FOREVER. But no matter what, I will always love you. You're my golden boy and I couldn't be more proud to be your mama.

Love always,
Mama

PS - you're so lucky to share your birthday with your Great Aunt DeeDee!

Not a sidekick person

Life is full of twists and turns, as we all know. Lately, it feels like my life has turned a corner - the ante has been upped  and I've really got to kick some butt. It's been a long time since I've felt like this. I mean, when I had T, my whole world changed and I had to step into a brand new role, that of being a mother. Well, ten and half months in, I've realized how all consuming being a mother is. I wouldn't change it for the world - I'm so blessed to have the sweetest boy in the whole world as my son - but somewhere along the way, taking care of myself became a lost priority. I mean, when you feel like you have no time for yourself, it's damn hard to make it a priority.

The past few months have been difficult, to say the least, on a very personal level. In talking with friends about the hardships we've been going through, I've been so thankful for the support and love from so many. But one piece of advice that one person continually tells me each time she checks in with me is "take care of yourself". The first time she told me, I blew it off "yeah, yeah, yeah, I know". The second time she told me, I stopped in my tracks and asked myself "am I really taking care of myself?". The third time she told me, I decided she was right, I need to take more time for myself. Yes, especially when life is throwing some heavy stuff at you, but also every day no matter what is going on. It's important to make time for yourself.

It may seem like a small realization, but for me it was huge! Like all of a sudden, the kick butt action girl was kind of back. Like, I've been empowered to be the hero and not the sidekick to all of life's ups and downs. Like, this red-headed lady does have a say and will make the best go of things, not only for the sake of her family, but for the sake (and sanity) of herself.

image via The House That Lars Built

Wise Words

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.

You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.

Wise words from the wise lady, Eleanor Roosevelt.

photo by me

Inspiration: Life through my child's eyes

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” -A.A. Milne

Now that I have a child of my own, I’ve had the chance to revisit many of my favorite childhood books in anticipation of sharing them with Tuck one day soon. At his current age, he’s more interested in throwing books and laughing about it, putting them in his mouth, or crawling right over them to get to the next best place. But I eagerly await the day when we can read a bedtime story together, enjoying our favorite characters and sharing a good laugh during the funny parts. In revisiting some of my favorite stories, I realized how the simple, yet meaningful words that were written for a child’s ear are just the words that we, as adults, NEED to hear. Let’s be real, life as an adult can be complicated – it’s hard, unfair, stressful and cumbersome at times. Sometimes I think we’re guilty of making our lives more complicated than they really need to be, but sometimes things really are that difficult, with circumstances beyond your control.  It’s during those times that I find so much solace in Tuck – in seeing the world through his 9 month old eyes, where happiness lurks at every corner and life’s simplicity radiates in his smile. Lately, I’ve needed that reminder. I’ve needed to hear the words that I’m going to read to him again and again in his life: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

image by E.H. Shephard via here

One year, fifty three days and (I'm guessing) a few hours...

...that's how long it's been since I last posted here. Whoa, that's a long time! And sometimes it feels like a long time, but other times it feels like it's gone by in the blink of an eye. A lot has happened in the one year, fifty three days since I last shared my thoughts with you. Change has been ever present and constant and I've learned to make friends with him, even if it hasn't always been easy.

Our little guy came into the world last June, bringing with him a renewed breath of life to both N and me. Life, it seems, got that much sweeter and our hearts so full of love, we thought they just might burst. Almost 9 months later, I still find it unfathomable how my heart can continue to grow and make even more room for the love I have for this little boy. He's amazing and he's challenged me in ways I never thought possible. And if you don't believe me, you should see my instagram feed - it's documentation of how proud I am to be Tucker's mother!

As all mothers know, caring for a child is hard work - it's the hardest work I've ever known. I love every minute of it, but I've also found myself needing an outlet. BT (before Tucker), making jewelry was my outlet, photography was my outlet, this little blog was my outlet. AT (after Tucker), a lot of those things were shoved aside and now that I'm almost a year into motherhood, working mom motherhood, I've found myself needing this little space more and more. To release, to share, to cheer on...whatever it may be, I need a little corner of the world that's all mine.

The Sound of Silence

So things have obviously been extremely quiet over here and if you hadn't noticed, the shop has been "On Vacation" for some time now. I promise I haven't wanted to neglect this blog or my shop after putting in so much hard work last year to get them up and running, but sometimes life sideswipes you with other things. Happy things, like starting a family! We used this picture on our holiday cards this year to share the news with friends and family -the new addition will be here in June! And challenging things, like fracturing my hand in a car accident. With only one working hand, I wasn't able to keep up with the shop, let alone make anything new for it. Oh yeah, and typing, that's a miserable thing to do with only one hand, among many other things. And it's proving to be a bit of a long road to recovery - I'm still working on recovering some muscle memory loss in a few of my fingers and getting my joints to bend and work as they are meant to. I hope to open the shop up in the near future, but I'm hesitant to say when with so much change on the horizon. And I have the best intentions to start sharing things on the blog again - maybe even pick up my camera and start taking some pictures. I've missed that tremendously! So here's to a new start in 2013!

Inspiration: Expectations

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
- Bruce Lee

I've been thinking quite a bit about expectations recently, both those we place on ourselves and those that others place on us. In my mind, expectation often seems to correlate to disappointment - life throws you for a loop and something didn't turn out the way you thought it would or the way someone else wanted it to turn out for you. Sometimes the right choice is taking the unconventional route, doing something instead of waiting for something, moving forward (even if it's in a completely unexpected direction) instead of standing still.  And when others tell you you're crazy, that you're taking a step in the wrong direction, you tell them you don't give a damn what they think because in the end, it's your life to live. Opportunity often presents itself in ways you least expect it. Trust your gut and believe in yourself - if you do, you won't be left wondering how you let those expectations become a missed opportunity.

image via here

Of the Moment: Woody Allen State of Mind

There is something about the transition of seasons from Summer to Autumn that makes me long to visit New York City. I think it must be that Fall has always been my favorite time of year and when I lived in New York City, I reveled in the changing of colors and cool crisp air. I spent hours just walking around Central Park, taking in nature's glorious transformation and wondering how, during this magical time of year, I was able to lose myself in a natural wilderness, surrounded by millions of people and a city's rough, urban, concrete exterior.

Since a trip to New York is not eminent, I decided to visit in film and who better to visit with than Woody Allen. And it's not just New York that has been resonating with me, but more so the sense of realism (and lack there of at times too) that he incorporates in his films. I appreciate that his film's endings aren't "happily ever after" - not to say they don't end on a positive note, but more of a "life isn't perfect so you got to make the best out of what life deals you." I can appreciate that, especially as I grow older.

The other day, I saw a bumper sticker on a car that had the old saying "when life gives you lemons...", but instead of "make lemonade" it said "paint that shit gold!" Either way, you just got to make do the best you can.

Annie Hall images via the thinking tank

Back...I think

This Summer has flown by in one sense, but in another, it's been slow and arduous. I ran out of steam around June and I just now feel myself able to pick back up where I left off in the Spring. After weeks and weeks of ignoring my studio and my little shop, I found myself back at work this weekend, finally inspired enough to work on some new designs. If I'm being honest, I kind of needed to step back and take a look at the things I've been making. Are they a reflection of me? Do I even like the things I've been producing? Some things, yes. Other things, no. So, I kind of "cleaned shop" so to speak, took some things down and began toying with some new materials and new designs. Hopefully, I'll have something to show for it soon.

For those of you reading this, thanks for your patience and for bearing with me through this span of silence. I just might be back for reals this time!

Reflections on Resolutions

Now that the halfway mark of the year has come and gone, I thought it appropriate to check in on the resolutions I set out for myself at the beginning of the year. There's nothing like accountability to see you through to and help you achieve your goals!

Resolution 1: Be More Creative
Creativity has been overpowering, overbearing and yet at times elusive. By far, my greatest accomplishments on this resolution have been my photography and my Etsy shop. I took two photography classes and although I kind of fizzed out on the second one, I took a lot away from both classes that I'll continue to use in the future. And my shop, well that feat alone has helped me grow leaps and bounds in just a few short months. I'll admit, at times its stifled my creativity - having to churn out some of the same things over and over - but its also boosted it in ways I could have only imagined. 

Resolution 2: Take More Chances/Fear Less
Again, here I'm going to have to say my Etsy shop best embodies this resolution. A year or two ago, I never would have had the guts to put myself out there and open up a shop. It's been scary and downright stressful at times, but its also given me so much confidence - I've really had to push myself to figure out the ins and outs of opening and running a small business. The tiny army of supporters and encouragement from friends and family has really been what's kept me going through the whole process. 

Resolution 3: Give More/Want Less
I admit, I'm not exactly where I want to be on this resolution. Yes, I have been giving more, much in thanks to CharitySub's amazing concept, but I'm definitely hoping to do a bit more on this resolution by the end of the year. Clearing clutter from the house is still an ongoing process, and I'm sure it will always be, but I've  been more conscious of the purchases I'm making and the things I bring into our home. Hopefully, I'll have more to reflect on by the year's end as far as this goes.   

What about you? Have you been keeping up with any goals or resolutions you've set out for yourself? I'd love to hear about them!

image credit: Reflections by Kristina Klarin

Inspiration: Idleness

“Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a vice; it is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body, and deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets. The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration — it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done. “Idle dreaming is often of the essence of what we do,” wrote Thomas Pynchon in his essay on sloth.” - Tim Kreider, "The 'Busy' Trap", New York Times

Idleness...its been on my mind a lot recently. Maybe because I just took three days off from work, finally slowed down a bit and took some time to think about my life. I haven't been able to do that for some time. I've been going, going, going for almost 2 years now. Honestly, three days wasn't enough; I could have used a week, or even two! But in those three days, I was able realize that the busier I am, the more apathy seems to take over so many aspects of my life and it's high time I start doing a little less and living a little bit more.

image credit: Marie Antoinette film still via mmorrow

Inspiration: Stillness in the Midst of Chaos

“I feel that art has something to do with the achievement of stillness in the midst of chaos. A stillness which characterizes prayer, too, and the eye of the storm. I think that art has something to do with an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction.”  -  Saul Bellow

It seems life has been one big distracting mass of chaos recently. We have so much hinging on one decision, a decision that isn't even ours to make, that our nerves have been frayed to their very ends and focusing on anything but this decision has been nearly impossible. Our life feels as if its been on hold for over two years now and we're more than ready to pick it back up and start living again. The one bit of solace in all this frustration has been working in my studio. I haven't had as much energy to devote to it, but when I walk into that room, pick up the colored strands of thread and begin knotting them with my tired hands, this art that I create gives me a stillness and calmness that I haven't been able to find in anything else. The world somehow seems to slow down and the questions and worries that constantly invade my thoughts somehow seem to fade away.

image credit: "favourite place" by Hannah and Landon Metz

Inspiration: When It's Over

“When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.”

-Mary Oliver, "When Death Comes"

I'm not much of a poetry person, but when I read this excerpt from the poem "When Death Comes", something stirred in me. The last line... it took my breath away...it made me think...and it inspired me to start living in a new way.

image credit: "Stories of Étretat" by Veronika Tumova via Bon Parisian

Inspiration: Creativity

"The essential part of creativity is not being afraid to fail." - Edwin H. Land, Polaroid co-founder

This is what I keep telling myself over and over: just keep doing what you're doing and success will follow...eventually. 

image credit: Genevieve Simms via Gems

quote via Life

Inspiration: Come Alive

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive. Then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who come alive." - Howard Thurman

Much like the Dutch tulip fields that come alive with grand color in Spring, I too feel like I've come alive these past few months. I was telling N the other night that I haven't felt this *happy* in a very long time. Starting my little MGoO Shop has brought me much joy and the wonderful feeling of contentment. It has allowed me to be creatively driven and challenged on a daily basis, something my life was lacking for far too long. So for now, I'm going to revel in this feeling of coming alive because you just never know when it might end.

image credit: here via here
quote found here

Happiness Is...

...a little dog soaking up the sun.